The Power of Emotional Regulation
Change Your Behaviours, Change Your Feelings
Hi Friends,
Have you ever gotten caught up in negative emotions, despite being able to rationalise them, and recognising that you may be overreacting?
Have you ever reacted to a situation with emotions first, only to step away and realise your true thoughts?
Have you ever been in awkward situations or fights with those you love, because your feelings overturned the conversation?
These feelings are very normal. We have to remind ourselves that emotions are an integral part of the human experience, shaping our perceptions, decisions, and overall well-being. But, our emotional landscape can be diverse, and how we regulate them is crucial to our mental, emotional and spiritual health.
Over the years, I struggled with emotional regulation, which essentially refers to the ability to monitor, evaluate, and modify one's emotional reactions in a constructive and adaptive manner. It involves recognising and understanding experienced emotions, managing stressors effectively, and responding to situations in ways that align with internal values, goals, and the way we want to navigate life. I was never aware that mastering my emotional state is a key part of building and maintaining relationships, and that it is not about suppressing my emotions or denying their existence, but rather about understanding when they arise and developing a healthy relationship with them.
This month, I invite you to take a deep dive into the ways I have learned to manage my negative emotions and become critical in the way I responded to them when they appeared. I have learnt to think critically, respond to negative emotions with empathy, openness and intent, and realise that negative emotions are only temporary and I don’t have to act on it. Additionally, like muscle memory, these skills will become easier once I’ve applied it enough times until it becomes second nature. I have also learned that if I want to change the emotional state I’m experiencing, I can change it with the way I behave, because being able to manage my emotions will allow me to become stronger internally, and be resourceful to address the root cause so that it doesn’t affect every aspect of my life.
The Importance of Emotional Regulation:
Here are some the benefits of being able to manage my emotions and how it affected my life and may help you, in your journey:
Mental Well-being: It helped me maintain a positive outlook and be able to cope with stressors I have experienced in my life. I’ve learned to observe my feelings and understand that this is part of being a human. If I let it affect me, I can be dragged down by the emotional rollercoaster and be stuck in that state, which ultimately does not benefit me in any way.
Healthy Relationships: It helped me build and sustain healthy relationships and create a community of people that love and support me. I was able to learn to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts or disagreement constructively by listening to - and empathising with - others’ perspectives, through understanding my own emotions and articulating it.
Improved Decision-Making: I found that it was easier to be more rational and balanced when making decisions when my emotions are tamed, rather than regretfully making decisions based on negative emotions. This helped reduce impulsivity that is driven by intense emotions, and I was able to reflect easier on the consequences of my actions.
Stress Reduction: Emotional regulation helped me learn to let go of things that I can’t control and reinforce on things that I can control. This helped manage my stress levels and feelings of anxiety, which at some point affected my sleep, mood, and loss of appetite.
You’re probably thinking: “Pari, I get the idea, but how do I get to the point where I can achieve emotional regulation?”
Well, just like any other skill, we can educate ourselves and apply this knowledge in our day-to-day life. Just remember that it is an ongoing process that we need to actively practiceby using simple tools and techniques that are known to have worked. Being aware of our own emotions is part of the journey to being more self-aware. I think of it as a journey to getting to know more about yourself from the inside out.
How to Manage our Emotions:
When I feel a level of anxiety, stress, anger, or even jealousy, I use these simple steps:
Step 1: Identify what are the emotions that I’m feeling right now. I try to accurately label my emotions.
Step 2: Try to recognise where the emotions came from. Ask yourself, what may have caused this emotion? Where does this feeling sit in my body? Do this without judgement. When you are asking yourself the question, it’s the same as when you are asking a friend with openness; a place of care. Identify if there are patterns associated with different emotional states.
Step 3: Allow yourself to feel, and sit with that feeling. It can be uncomfortable when you do this because all you want to do is to get away or remove the feeling. Just remember, these feelings will not endanger you and they are temporary. Being comfortable with the discomfort is the aim; sitting with negative emotions and enquiring the state of emotions from a place of compassion and openness is the start of my journey to creating emotional safety within myself. It helped me become more self-reliant and comfortable with the decisions I make and how I live my life. The mantra that I use even to this day is ‘emotions are only temporary. I’m safe and loved. It’s okay to feel this way because I am human’.
Step 4: I also started to build small habits overtime, where I simply replaced negative self-talk with realistic thoughts, as a means to reframe our distorted thinking patterns. The phrase I most commonly used to tell myself was:
“I'll never be able to do this. Everything always goes wrong.”
I changed this statement so that with enough practice, “I can learn to do this”. Not everything goes wrong, it’s just for this situation. I would also try to find examples of situations where things didn’t go wrong, which helped counter this statement. My aim for countering the negative self-talk is to make myself better and to be my own cheerleader. I learnt that I need to fight for myself to make me feel better and I have that power. It wasn’t always easy, but trust me, reframing the negative self-talk has tremendously helped my confidence, how I feel about myself, and how I show up to the world.
Step 5: I commonly use relaxation techniques, such as guided imagery, meditation, expressive writing (like journaling), grounding, and deep breathing to help focus on something else other than how I feel. It also helps regulate my breathing, heart rate and intense emotions, and promotes emotional balance.
Practicing Emotional Regulation in Daily Life:
Emotional regulation begins with small habits. Incorporate these strategies into your daily routine to enhance emotional regulation:
1. Start and end your day with a relaxation technique of your choice
2. Accept your emotions without judgement, and practice self-compassion
3. Maintain healthy boundaries and communicate assertively in your relationships
4. Practice talking about your feeling aloud, either by yourself or with someone else
5. Provide yourself an opportunity to express and formulate your thoughts and feelings; write them in a journal or record yourself talking about it
6. Prioritise at least one self-care activity that relaxes and rejuvenates you; and
7. Engage in regular physical activity to reduce stress, and boost your mood.
Remember that emotional regulation is a journey that requires practice, patience, and self-compassion. There is no right or wrong emotion to feel, until it negatively or positively affects you. You experience emotions because you are human, but it may not be reflective of the situation or circumstance you currently face. Recognise what feels good and bad through a compassionate lens. As you develop these skills, you can empower yourself to lead a more fulfilling and emotionally-balanced life.
If you find yourself needing extra support in regulating your emotions and you think you need support in this area, I would love to hear from you. Please don’t hesitate to contact Journey To Becoming.
Until next time,
Pari x